Thanks to commenter Rygar for this gem, I hadn’t seen it before- or should I say SCENE it?! Ba-dum *crash*

This kid knows what’s up: Oftentimes the things that your peers will ridicule you for the most are the same things that attractive girls will be the most interested in. This is not always the case, but if you find your friends hating on something you are wearing, before abandoning it, you should ask yourself what kind of feedback you’ve gotten from hot girls about it. For example, many of my (old, male) friends make fun of my watch.

And maybe they are right, maybe it does look gay. But I also know that many attractive ladies with good style have used it as an excuse to talk to me and hold my hand while they look at it, so I’m laughing all the way to the bank.

If I made a video about it, it would go, “And look at my new scene watch. It’s fuckin’ pink as fuck. Yeah, it’s totally gay, because bitches love that shit. And it matches my new Nikes, they’re scene as fuck too.”

Fuck the haters, dawg! If the ladies are feeling your scene hair, keep working it! I mean personally I place Norma Jean shirts somewhere near truck balls and Big Johnson gear as far as indicators of subhuman stupidity, but who cares what I think? U go, girl. And for all you butthurt pussies who want to strangle this kid, remember…

You are probably already familiar with Millionaires, but most likely only their most popular song, “Alcohol.” It’s a great song, but with lines like “Girls talk shit we don’t care, we’ll take off our underwear” and a chorus that goes “Gimme my alcohol, let’s get fucked up!” it might give you the wrong idea about these three lovely ladies. You might think they’re just the girl version of Brokencyde, that they just wanna get fucked up and bang strangers. But you’d be wrong, they’re so much more than just that!

“Martinis & Mixed Feelings” shows off the softer of Millionaires, and the fact that their producer knows how to use autotune very aggressively (which is fine with me; as far as I’m concerned autotune makes any kind of music better). I like to listen to it when I’m swooning over Taylor Swift, imagining what our wedding would look like and writing my first name with “Swift” at the end… just to see what it would look like, you know?? Maybe this song would be playing during the scene where Taylor and I meet in the movie of my life… our eyes lock onto each other from across the dancefloor; even with a few drinks in me I can tell that Tay and I are meant for each other…

Well anyway, I think this is the best Millionaires song, I hope you hate it.

Blessed By A Broken Heart is my favorite post-ironic Christian hair-metal crunkcore scene band from Canada. I know what you are thinking: Wat. I’ll admit that this band was enough to make even my head spin with post-modern amazement at first, but bear with me. It turns out they are just the scene version of Kirk Cameron, shilling for Jesus with a flatiron instead of an NIV Bible. I will deconstruct them for you and explain why I think they could end up being hated even more than Brokencyde.

So. Much. Irony. Urge to kill rising…

With that out of the way, I introduce you to Blessed By A Broken Heart and list the reasons why you will hate them. A great place to start is their song “Mic Skillz II” in which they combine trance, hair metal and rap while lyrically referencing TMNT, Snoop Dogg, Technotronic, and steal a video clip from Final Fantasy VII.

1. Excessive wackiness, zaniness and cleverness
Nobody likes a tryhard, and BBABH definitely try way too hard to impress you with what I’m sure they think are their hilarious antics. Look, I get it: they’re “in on the joke.” The fact that their entire image is a big ironic joke is fine, the problem is that it’s not funny, it’s just a tiresome, transparent cry for attention from a bunch of churchy dorks who are so painfully square that they feel guilty for drinking a Diet Pepsi.

You can practically taste their burning desire for peer approval. Like the lab rats who furiously pound the lever that delivers cocaine into their veins, BBABH thirst for your attention as though they had been stranded in the desert for a month and your validation of their ham-fisted persona is a pitcher of ice water. They wait eagerly for you to catch one of the references in their song and tell them how clever their lyrics are, how “random” the song is, and tell them they’re “so crazy.” They want it so badly that they go so far as to lyrically roadmap their references in “Mic Skillz II”:

Check check, what
Now you now your letters
Learn your numbers
Right after this Beverly Hills Cop part

Groan.

Protip: if you have to explain the joke to me, it’s not funny anymore (if it ever was in the first place). It just makes you a desperate tryhard. It’s not unlike the “Pretty Fly For A White Guy” trope in which a white TV/movie character uses a piece of “urban” slang then looks expectantly at the camera, waiting for laffs. For example, maybe there is a grandmother telling you how great Tropicana orange juice is, and she concludes her pitch by mugging for the camera and saying “Word to your mother!” Only in this case, BBABH turns toward the camera with a smug grin on their face and says, “Pump up the jam!” Either way, it’s enough to make you wish for a cyanide capsule to chomp on as an IRL rage quit.

I can haz attention?

There is a time and a place for zaniness and wacky jokes, but moderation is the key. I don’t think anybody gave BBABH the rulebook, though, because their zaniness knows no bounds. They never, ever hesitate to pat themselves on the back for making a forced, hackneyed joke that’s about as subtle, sophisticated and funny as Hee-Haw. Like in “Mic Skillz II” where they simply growl (in pseudo-death metal vocals) “Cookie Monster!” Yes, we get it: death metal vocals sound like Cookie Monster, I thought that joke was funny too… in 1990.

The only thing in this photo that’s funny is the singer’s Jesus tattoo.

Unless their shtick is to be deliberately unfunny they have failed miserably at doing anything other than disappointing me. If they are being deliberately unfunny then they are fucking brilliant, achieving levels of genius that only Hipster Runoff can approach, with its layers upon layers of irony. But I am going to go out on a limb and say that these churchy simpletons aren’t masters of postmodern humor, but simply much less funny than they think they are.

Ha ha ha!! I get it: You bought some “hilarious” early 90s clothes at a thrift store, then LOLed with your friends as you worked yourselves into a frenzy of anticipation about all the congratulatory comments you would get when you put the pictures up on MySpace. LOL!!! You’re so funny and CRAZY!! Look out Andy Samberg, here comes the zany bro in the wacky clothes!!

2. Amateurish marketing
I’m willing to bet that these fuckholes sat down with one of their lawyer dads in his home office and put together a business plan before they ever played a single note of music. He even gave them a loan to cover the marketing budget (he’s kind of kicking himself for giving it to them at 4.5% APR, though, because now that credit markets are so much tighter he could have gotten a much better rate).

Much like their bad jokes, the problem isn’t that they are relentless self-promoters, but that they are terrible at it. It is painful to see these tards fumble one play after the next just like how when you’re watching a Little League game you want to slap one of the kids and yell, “How the fuck did you miss that pitch you worthless piece of shit!? It was right over the goddamn plate, he might has well have handed it to you on a silver fucking platter!!”

In the video above the band clumsily tries to make you think they are a bunch of stupid rockers. For example, one of the guys talks about how much he loves their makeup artist. I guess that’s supposed to be funny because it shows that he is a shallow buffoon who is way too into his image? I’m not sure if these guys have ever heard of a movie called “Spinal Tap” but they kind of did the whole “hilariously self-absorbed and clueless heavy metal band” thing a long time ago. It’s about as subtle and original as how 99% of the jokes in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry” are based around the premise of “gay people exist.”

3. Christian or Canadian? Both, actually.
While it certainly explains a lot, it shouldn’t come a surprise that BBABH are Canadian. But did I mention they are Christian? There’s nothing wrong with that, the problem is that their parents (who have been happily married for 35 years) obviously didn’t criticize them enough so they think everything they do is fucking gold. I love my parents; do you know why? Not because they were great fucking role models, that’s for sure, but because they would never let me get away with subpar creative work. If I drew an apple for my mom at age 6, she would crumple it up and tell me the midtones were muddy. Here is how the conversation would go if I played “Mic Skillz II” for my dad (who saw The Accused with me in 1990 so he is down as fuck):

Me: So that’s the new song I wrote for my band, what do you think?
Dad: I think you should start over.

Holy fucking fuck, I want to stab this fucking shitbag in the face with AIDS

These nerds probably met because they all went to the “edgy” maltstream church who used a grungy typewriter font for their logo and had some cryptic name that would occasionally trick stupid kids into thinking it was a club, like “The Pad” or “Crown of Thorns.” One day they got crazy and stayed up until 11 PM, all hopped up on Red Vines and ginger ale and decided that the best way they could share Christ’s love with the world was through a band that combined everything annoying about drama club and with the most boring parts of church. One of them got so excited that he said the f-word by accident, but he called his mom to apologize so it turned out OK.

The cockface from BBABH and the doughy singer for A Day To Remember compare their matching MXPX tattoos (seriously, I am not making that up, look closely). In nature that is a symbol which means “This infant should be eaten by its mother for the sake of its species.”

4. They are saving themselves for marriage
I kind of feel bad for the half-dozen desperate girls who probably wait outside their tour bus every night hoping to give a blowjob to one of the guys in the band, because they’re going to go home as lonely and sexually frustrated as they were when they arrived, thanks to BBABH’s love for Christ. I bet these Boy Scouts trick girls into coming on the bus in hopes of getting laid, only instead of trying to get in their pants like the creepverts in every other band on the planet, BBABH probably give the girls a couple of Chick tracts, a glass of ice water, and send them on their way after scolding them for showing their ankles in public.

When you get this in your inbox, you are like “God I love being in a band”…

but then you get 100 of these and you think, “maybe they’re still hiring for that assistant manager job at Claire’s.”

BBABH seems to attract more than their fair share of tryhard male groupies, which makes perfect sense given that the band themselves crave attention as though they were trapped on the floor of the ocean and peer approval was the oxygen to fill their burning lungs. I can’t imagine what possessed this cockmaster to send them that picture. “Hmm,” he thought, “I bet the dudes in BBABH would love to check their email and be greeted by a picture of my shirtless teen body with the name of their band written on it. Now, I better hurry up and use the flatiron before my mom needs to get ready for work because she hates sharing it with me.”

This BBABH photo is just a few years old. You can see how far their shtick has come since then, when they were wearing flared jeans that they bought at Limited Too with gift certificates from their aunt.

This one time at band camp…
Let’s be clear: I love bands with a shtick. Gwar, Rice, Shat, and Steel Panther are all brilliant. Obviously BBABH are smart enough to realize that by crafting such over-the-top personas, they’ll attract attention, both positive and negative- and no press is bad press, right? I’m totally on board with that, which is half of why I love Brokencyde. Anybody who gets their panties in a bind over that is the butt of the joke and playing right into BBABH’s hands. The problem is that their Ned Flanders-meets-Monty Python jokes aren’t fucking funny. Go back to the drawing board, Bible-thumpers.

Blessed By A Broken Heart on MySpace

If you have questions about awesome hair, neon merch, Hollister, or when the new Blessthefall record is going to drop (October 6, in case you were wondering), you should ask an expert: a scene kid. On the other hand, if you are looking for tips on how to fight, maybe it’s better for you to check out a Bulldoze show. Don’t believe me? Here’s some evidence:

These scene teens get together in their backyard to duke it out, Fight Club style. This video captures the highlights of their extremely sloppy “fights,” accompanied by a soundtrack featuring Brokencyde, Escape the Fate, Millionaires and, uh, Disturbed? And Korn. Scene mix tape: you’re doing it wrong!

In this video, some scene douche in what looks to be Hollywood gets in a fight, shouts some nonsense like “THIS IS WHAT AMERICA’S SOCIETY TEACHES YOU TO LEARN!” over and over, and then his pants fall down. This prompts an observer to say, “His butthole comin’ out too far!”

So there you have it. Have a good weekend, and before you try this at home, at least watch some instructionals to avoid embarrassing yourself!

The original water balloon

What’s a water balloon?
You’ve heard of the “Freshman 15,” right? It happens to lots of girls when they start college: a year of too many Keystone Lights and nursing hangovers with pizza, and before they know it, they’ve put they’ve put on a few pounds and go from Shanae Grimes to Lindsay Lohan. They’re not fat by any means, they just have a little bit more meat on their bones than they probably meant to. Luckily, because they’re so young, the pounds go in all the right places, everything stays in place. That’s a water balloon: a 19-22 year old girl with a tiny little muffintop or belly who still has a super tight body that jiggles like a water balloon.

Melissa Millionaire is a cute little scene queen who also happens to be a WB… the world’s first scene balloon! Most scene girls are skinny bitches, so Melissa has a special place in my heart. I know it’s a long shot, but I’m hoping that some day we end up crossing paths and have a magical connection. Maybe we can go to the mall, check out Forever 21, and hit up Sbarro. And we would hold hands the whole time, of course.

Millionaires on MySpace

As an example, please see the above photo of the band More Like The Movies. Sorry bros, there’s just no nice way to say it. Your hair is the least of your worries: you have the arms of 28 year old indie girls who do rollerderby.

I would replay 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and the LA riots over again 100 times than introduce another poser into this world. I know that sounds extreme, but if somebody doesn’t keep an eye on things, next thing you know they let just ANYBODY into this place and nobody wants that to happen.

Intro to poser spotting: Hardcore posers
When it comes to hardcore, it’s pretty easy to spot a poser: they thrash to the mosh parts, and mosh to the thrash parts. This tweenbro has some good vids too for getting up to speed, like here where he makes two main points: You pose if you shop at Zumiez and Enter Shikari is a very talented hardcore band.

In the 2K9, Righteous Jams, Toxic Narcotic and Reach The Sky are more or less interchangeable with SSD, Siege, and Slapshot- just an FYI. As far as getting your head ripped off for “looking like a faggotty scene or poser” at Boston hardcore shows, I guess someone forgot to give Gibby from Panic the memo since he seemed to get along just fine there and he literally wrote the website on how to look like a faggoty scene kid (and banged a hot friend of mine years ago *high five* ).

If you are still confused, check out an informative video called “Today’s Hardcore Scene” which will tell you everything you need to know about the hxc scene, especially classic bands like Bury Your Dead, Walls Of Jericho and Thick As Blood. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have been around back in the day and see one of those bands in their prime, like right after Walls of Jericho put out their 6th album.

Even a novice like me can see the obvious problems here… you never have a bright light source behind the subject!

Advanced poser spotting: Scene kids
With years of experience under my belt, I can smell a hardcore poser a mile away. I’m still a relatively entry-level sceneologist, though, so it doesn’t come quite as easily to me. I am a firm believer in ethnographic research, or observing subjects in their native environment, so consulted the internets, the native domain of scene kids. I found a vibrant community centered around poser spotting, which they call scene fails. It’s complicated, but it seems like there are two basic rules: No fatties and no bad hair.

Rule 1: You can’t be fat
No, seriously. I’m not trying to say that scene kids have a set of shared assumptions that add up to warped beauty standard or make some other high-minded point, you literally can’t be fat and scene as you will be below. I thought Millionaires established this a long time ago in “Ho Down” but as you can see it is still debated hotly by YouTube commenters/Mensa:

“I’m not big myself, but I feel for them.” How do I nominate someone for sainthood? Also, “crissangelfreako.”

Apparently fattys cannot be sluts either. Who knew?? I can’t keep up with all these new developments in youth culture!!

Looks like WeabooWho is not only unhappy about her race, but her body as well. Let’s all thank her parents for their incredible work.

I really like using YouTube comments as a research tool because you find some of the most jaw-droppingly stupid ideas expressed with stunningly poor grammar and spelling. In other words, solid gold.

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Rule 2: You must have good hair
This one is pretty understandable, because if you’re a scene kid with bad hair, then you’re not really scene, you’re just a weird looking kid with inappropriately high self-esteem and the world does not need any more of THOSE. This is a topic I know a thing or two about (my ex was a hair stylist for several years) so I can definitely see where the haters are coming from here.

It’s so hard to pick just one, but this might be my favorite of Brookelle Bone’s looks. What’s up baby, your hair is piecey as fuck!

With so many resources available for kids these days, there is absolutely no reason why can’t have good hair if you are willing to put in the time. For fuck’s sake, there is a Flickr thread entitled “Cheetah print or racoon stripes? Which should I get?“, I don’t know how much fucking easier we can make it for kids than that!! What ever happened to commitment, damn it?! My grandpa didn’t drop bombs on the Germans in WWII so your lazy ass could sit around the house with your hair in a goddamn ponytail!

What’s that, baby? Yes, of course I’ll keep it a secret- We’re friends, and friends never snitch! Now what was it you wanted to show me??

Rogue’s gallery
There is a nearly endless supply of scene fail images, so look for yourself, but here are a few of the highlights- mostly stolen from the resources below, but some from various Myspaces I pulled myself. Before the misery begins, spend a minute or two looking at the lovely lady above- I posted her for a “spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down” kind of thing- then brace yourself!

Her face looks like a cheaply made mask that doesn’t move enough to look like real human skin

I think that’s a fake belly that she is wearing for a health class or something. Please God, let it be fake. Don’t let it breed.

Bro… have you considered a less embarrassing phase to spend your teenage years on? Like maybe being a Juggalo or furry?

Joey Belladonna’s message to Chief Buzznet: “Cry for the indians!“

This would make an amazing image for “after” in an anti-scene PSA like those terrifying meth ones

I think she is trying to look charmingly awkward so you’ll say “Aw I just wanna pick you up and squeeze you like a puppy.” Instead, she looks like she is thinking, “Fuck… I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

Taking slutty pictures in the mirror is the best thing ever when it is a girl doing it. When it’s a dude whose face looks like one of his parents was a Persian cat, not so much. And to make matters worse, what the fuck is he wearing?? Those jeans and t-shirt are complete bullshit, was that the Wal-Mart “scene kid” kit he bought on the way to the Hanson/Hellogoodbye show last week?

Phew, that’s enough for now! Stay tuned and I will share more scene fails as I collect them.

Further resources
I took images from Photobucket, Scene Fail on Tumblr, and uh… Glow In The Dark Vagina. Please thank them for their excellent work and send in any of your own scene fail images!

What if BrokeNCYDE looked more like Final Fantasy characters and sounded more like Aqua? Then they would be Blood On The Dancefloor, perhaps the most extreme (and awesome) version of scene that I have encountered so far.

I’d… hit it?!

And let me clear one thing up: Yes, of course I think this band is hilarious (and I am 100% sure they know exactly what they’re doing and would laugh right along with me), but I also non-ironically like them and almost everything else I write about on here. This is about stuff YOU will hate, but that I LOVE. Anyway…

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One thing I really appreciate about BOTDF is how they combine gay and creepy, sort of like how I like to go to mainstream gay clubs because lots of hot alt girls go there and let down their guard. Like swift gazelles who momentarily relax to take a cool drink of water from an oasis only to be devoured by a waiting lion, I pounce as soon as they get too comfortable. I think the boys in BOTDF would approve, so I feel like we have some common ground.

Bro, I think we could be bros, bro. You be the froo-froo one, I’ll be the grimy one, we’ll be an unstoppable force like AJ and Rick from Simon & Simon!

From his swishy tone to insane Final Fantasy/steampunk-meets-scene personal brand, you’d think that singer Dahvie Vanity is about as straight as a dog’s hind leg, but if you pay attention to the lyrics you will quickly see that he’s as creepy as it gets, even bordering on “Free candy in my van” territory.

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I also appreciate their upbeat, happy hardcore/donk take on scene; let’s just call it DONKCORE. If you’re not familiar with donk, you definitely need to check out Vice’s definitive article on the subject. It seems like a bunch of dirty British kids doing the Hollywood Undead thing as far as I can tell.

Separated at birth: Kefka and BOTDF’s Dahvie??

You’ll probably vomit with disgust, but that’s because you hate fun unlike the kids in Blackout Crew and BOTDF who just want want to get the party started and don’t give a fuck what you think because they’re going to get high as fuck and bang the hottie of their choice tonight while you and I sitting in front of our computers.

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Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined someone combining two things I love as much as scene hair and donk, but BOTDF did it! I’ve always had a little thing for cybergoth too, so I’m totally into the googles and vinyl shit. Hopefully this shit will catch on and teenagers across the country will be bumping this shit in their parents’ Saturns on the way to the mall to buy some more steampunk gear.

Image gallery

She looks pretty beat, but she has awesome hair so I totally would

Lipstick always makes me think of dog boners!

I’d start a riot all over her tits! Wait a minute… Look, I’m not gay, I fucked him!!

How could you hate a band that has the line “Stop, drop, mosh and roll”?!

BOTDF on MySpace

I am a huge fan of CHAINREACTIONCORE, comprised of the many Orange County moshcore bands who played at the legendary OC venue Chain Reaction in the 90s and 00s. At the center of that scene is Javier Van Huss– if Keith Barney is the John Lennon of CHAINREACTIONCORE, Jav is the Paul McCartney, having done time in just about every bands including 18 Visions, Bleeding Through, Throwdown, the Mistake, and Enewetak. He also runs the excellent hardcore-war-stories blog Some Dudes Tell Stories, which is an amazing trip down memory lane for those of us who came up in the 90s West Coast hardcore scene.

Aside from being a blogger and the definitive CHAINREACTIONCORE bassist, he is also a hair stylist. It would not be an exaggeration to say that 18 Visions during the Jav years laid the foundation for what we know as “scene” today, so all you kids should probably listen to the dude who arguably invented this shit! I am thrilled to present the first of what I hope will be many posts from Jav– thanks bro, you are really touching some lives here!! The kids need you!

- Sgt D

Hi. I’m Jav, and I hate Scene Hair.

Not for the reason you might think (because it looks fucking ridiculous), but because YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. How can I make this judgment, you may ask? Well, when you have been doing hair for over ten years, and you have taught in some of the most prestigious beauty schools in the country, and learned from the best hairstylists in the world, then YOU can be the judge too!

No matter where I go it seems, 10 years later I’m still known as “that guy who used to play in 18 Visions (when it was good)”. And yes, we DID have a hand in helping the young “scene” look. I did my first Scene haircut while i was still in beauty school, in 1999, on a young James Hart. He wanted this Scene haircut similar to the girls in South County at the time, a haircut we called either DUCK BUTT or THE SHOTGUN BLAST: Short and spiky in the back, long and bob-like in the front, possibly with bangs.

This look is still cultivated today, mainly by 15-18 year old boys who’s waist size is about as big as my 7 year old daughter. Some people call these jerks fgtz, but I would rather look at Johnny Scene than some hipster riding a fixed gear with a Padawan tail and ironic moustache. Now, THOSE guys are FGTZ!!!

I’ve been trying to trace the roots and history of Scene hair, but i can only tell you what inspired US in the beginning: ORGY. The techno-goth-rocker-industrial-glam playboys who scored a minor hit with their cover of New Order’s “Blue Monday“. Every day on our way to beauty school, James and I would pass by the Virgin Megastore in Costa Mesa, and see these GIANT posters of the members of Orgy. These jerks had pointy hair and lipgloss and eyeliner and we were transitioning from wearing JNCOs with basketball jerseys to having to wear all black for school.

Keep in mind, flat irons weren’t really around yet (only the awesome black and gold Hot Tools ones), so we had to make our hair straight by using half a can of Murray’s a week. We started playing around with coloring our hair because it was easily accessible to us at school. Soon, we were spray painting everything gold and licking everything in sight. And trust me, people fucking hated us. I still read about how we RUINED the scene.

After a couple of years, bands like From Autumn To Ashes started picking up on the “fashioncore” thing, and it spread from there to bands like From First To Last, and then out of control. Soon, teens from Los Angeles to Leeds were running to MAC and HOT TOPIC to out-Scene one another.

With the advent of the internet, high speed connections, and YouTube, it soon became easy to take matters into your own hands when it came to your hair. You no longer had to try and find someone to try and do your hair, you could go to a website and buy color, extensions, or find how-to’s. You could just click on YouTube and see some 15 year old asshole cutting her own hair with a fucking BIC RAZOR.

This video makes me sick to my stomach. Watching this idiot butcher her own hair make the anger sharks swim. Sure, we’ve all had hair emergencies, and had to take matters into our own hands, or experimented with hair color, but this is just insane. I used to show videos like this in my classroom, to demonstrate what NOT to do, and after a few minutes the air was like with *gasps* and general comments like OMG! WTF?, and plenty of LOLZ.

As a snobby hairstylist, I hate scene hair because it does look fucking stupid 95% of the time, but I also hate it because it’s DIY. Yes, the “punk” aesthetic has crept it’s way into Scene somehow. So, what’s wrong with a little DIY? Well, IT FUCKING TAKES FOOD OUT OF MY CHILD’S MOUTH, YOU FUCKING TWAT. Yes, I make money off of doing hair, and when you butcher your shit in the mirror at home, it takes business away from me. Plus, I CAN DO IT BETTER THAN YOU. And if you watch most of the videos on YouTube about doing your own hair, it’s little girls who most assuredly still live at home and don’t pay for SHIT, so I’m sure can afford to pay at least a little to make sure you don’t look like a fucking neon raccoon.

Now, I wouldn’t trust just ANYONE to do Scene hair, because to tell you the truth most people that do hair SUCK at it anyway. I would suggest giving your stylist a mini-interview. Start with some basic questions:

• “OMG did you see the new Millionaires video?”
• “Which do you like better, Johnny Cupcakes or Umbrella?”
• “Can you make me look Scene?”

If your hairstylist either has no idea what you are talking about or tells you get the fuck out of their chair, it’s time to look for a new stylist.

Now, I realize that Scene is all about individuality and expressing your inner creativity, but I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about approaching someone who looks Scene and telling them “ZOMG UR Doing it wrong, let me fix it”. So why don’t I? Well believe it or not, I really don’t want to offend these people (at least to their face). I really do respect your right to be Scene, I am just telling you right now that I (or hopefully another hairstylist) can do it better than you.

If you don’t believe me, come see me to get your hair done.
alloverthistown13@gmail.com

While it is arguable that “scene” is on its way out, many people still make the n00b mistake of confusing scene with emo. As anyone who is scene will tell you, they couldn’t be more different! To me, the main point of difference is in the fundamental motivations of each segment. Emo kids want sympathy [via expressing as often as possible that 'life suxxx'], while scene kids want to have fun/get attention/be famous within their micro-community of friends [oftentimes via online pseudo-friends].

I turned to Yahoo Answers to clarify the situation:

hmm, I’ve actually wondered that myself because many kids I’ve met who have been one were also the other.
I would say though, an emo kid is more specific and just is one who listens to emo and is more depressive. And I’d say an emo kid is usually a scene kid, but not all scene kids are emo kids because to me scene is more just the style. I’ve known many indie kids who I’d consider scene, but they’re definitely not emo at all.

Personally I found this answer unsatisfying, because if anything it further muddies the waters, but Yahoo Answers considers it a “resolved question.”

If u are still confused [via being old], Urban Dictionary sums it up nicely:

Many people confuse scene kids and emos b/c they wear similiar clothing and sometimes have similiar styles. Both wear small band tee’s they buy at their concerts even though they like different music. Some scence guys wear girl pants as well as some emos making them even more easily confused.

Scence kids and emo kids are very different mainly in the type of music they like and their outlook on life in general. Scence kids are fun and usually are at local concerts/parties. Emo kids are sad and usually stay at home and write poetry and check their myspaces.

Scene kid: “i cant wait to go to my concert and mosh”

Emo kid: “i cant wait to go to my concert and sob at this life’s black abyss that is my heart”

Scene kid: “ok…bye”

You have to wonder how obsolete trends like this trickle down to suburban hair salons like this one. I am picturing some Jessie Slaughter-type girl who just got out of hair school telling the clueless owner of the salon about “what’s trendy and cool right now” over afternoon Frappucinos, maybe even showing off some 4 year-old pictures of Kiki Kannibal photos on her Sidekick (yes, some little kids still have those).

The world is weird.

I think Kiki Kannibal did this first :/

Do you think scene will make a comeback in Q3 of 2k11 or is the genre dead for good? What other trends would you like Gaga to make happen again?

Today my assistant heard me listening to some Emmure, and told me he thought they were pretty cool sounding.  Then he asked me if I had ever seen Front Magazine.

Not that into tattoos, but def would

I’m sort of ashamed that none of my British friends had hipped me to FM before.  It’s sort of a mix between AP and a consensual Is Anyone Up, and I’m not mad at all.  One of the only redeeming qualities about England is that they are not afraid to get loose in the magazines.

Overall, the music coverage is not really spot on, with typical trendy coverage of Odd Future, Mac Miller, and zebrahead (!?)  They do give props to our favorite Guy Ritchie-core band TRC, so it’s not entirely worthless.  I’m guessing they spend about 10% of the budget on music and the rest on paying these scene girls to get naked.  Smart Business.

SMH at the phrase "mosh pit honeys"

Anyway, British friends, tell me is Front considered cool over there?  Will they run out of smoking hot 19 year old UK scene slutz after 4 issues and have to throw in the towel?

Also if you have time, why are poor ppl looting H&M in London?  Isn’t it cheap enough already?

Not really the place I’d expect to find scene hair, but there it is.

Would Javier approve? Mirin the sparkly acoustic guitar at 3:38, too.

People know Jav Van Huss as many different things, usually as the bassist for bands like 18 Visions, Bleeding Through, and The Mistake or as “the biggest asshole in hardcore.” I prefer to think of him as the inventor of scene hair (srs). Some poor girl will remember him as “that creepy old guy who tried to impress me by telling me about how came up with coon tails after watching an Orgy video.”

Stay frosty, Marines!!

Personally, I think that tumblrfeminists are doing it wrong. They’re basically a big bunch of whiny fatties who have this epic vendetta against people who are better looking than them, in particular: slim cute white girls. I think they should be idolising slim cuties and aspiring to be like them, yes? Not telling them they’re wrong for being attractive??? Baffling!! Anyways, today I’d like to notch up another victory for The Patriarchy and focus on just that: cute white scene girls, who, ironically, are doing wonders for the world of feminism and bish-empowerment. I’ve noticed a wonderful trend developing, and I think for this we should thank that fiery red-headed pillar of female empowerment that is Hayley Williams. These young ladies have said “Fuck the tumblrfeminists! I’m cute and white, and I won’t let you shame me or tear me down! Your views of beauty are not mine! I’m a REAL woman and I can do everything you privileged fatties tell me I can’t do!!!!”

I rly think these young ladies are excellent role models for the oppressed cute white minority to look up to. They’ve taken their cue from Ms Williams, grabbed life by the balls, and harnessed the cash cow that I like to call “Post-Twilight Era BishRock”. I’m willing to bet that all u fggts are “too hardcore” to admit you like this silly simple catchy pop rock stuff; but no fucks given – it’s sticking it to the (fat wo)man, and that’s all that matters, right?? There’s a whole stack of these bands, but I’ll just show u my 3 favourites (Don’t want to waste 2 much of ur valuable time). Now, unfortunately, the National Cute-o-meter was recently destroyed by Hurricane Ariana Grande (thanks a lot, Save Parker!!!) so you’ll have to bear with me.

First up, we have Courage, My Love. These Canadian Bishrockers have apparently played with Paramore and A Day To Remember??? Fuggin’ awesome! Now personally, idk, I kinda think the general premise of this video is a little unrealistic… I mean, two supercute 98lb scene girls and their homosexual friend defeating the whole Cambridge Lions football team, in their home stadium??? NOT SHERRIFF FEASABLE! Still, I really like it (srs). Cliffs:

• 1:32 – “I’m doing what I love and I’m so happy about it!!!” (cute singing face <3 )
• 2:22 – U mirin’ her shredding skillz brah? Don’t believe the rhetoric, women CAN do stuff!!!!
• Phoenix Arn-horn > Jess Bowen!
• 3:17 – I’d let u clothesline me anyday bby <3

Next up we have “The Nearly Deads”, which I think is an excellent pisstake on the typical “The ‘insert arty word here’s” naming convention.  I’m mirin’ the production values of this video, if it wasn’t for the shots of the band rocking the fuck out in their dad’s basement, I’d have thought I was watching this summer’s latest gutwrenching zombie blockbuster!! My favourite parts:

• Dat swoopy, teased out hair! Dem gloves! Dat plaid shirt! Dem hi-topps! The Scene is alive and well in this one!! 2006 Jonnyfilth would be caking on u so hard bby!!
• U can tell this bassist is the real deal, he’s wearing a Suiside Silense shirt and has his bass cranked up super loud!    \m/
• I think it’s the little touches, the attention to detail, that really make this clip work. The “DEAD END” warning sign, LOL, get it??! The Biohazard Warning sticker in the basement! It really makes me feel the whole “bleak, dystopian future” thing.
• 2:41 they show u how hard they are with that epic punk jump that nearly tears the electrics out of the ceiling!!! Rock and Roll!!

Last but certainly not least, we have a cute (if somewhat boring) British band called “Call Atlantis”. I like this video bcz I’m all about rooting for the shy cute waterballoon who’s only just coming out of her shell – and my god, is this girl a perfect example! Also, the blond “main character” bish looks scarily similar to a girl who friendzoned me real bad a few years ago :( Feelsbetaman.jpg

• 0:23-0:28 – I’m lost in her eyes. DGAF what u say, I’m officially hypnotized!!!
• I get the feeling this drummer just learned about double bass pedals and thinks they’re the most awesome thing ever.
• The guitarist with the black SG has the same scene hair as I had in 2006, I feel like we would have been bros on myspace (not anymore though bcz pretty sure he’d think I’m a sellout for cutting my hair and getting a job)
• This vid was made by LifeIsArt Films. I feel like they’re really deep and know how 2 connect 2 deep emotions and really “create”, as opposed to just pointing a camera.

Is “Slim Shaming” the worst crime u ever heard of?? Is Mercedes from Courage, My Love the weapon of cuteness we need to win the war against the Tumblrfeminists??? Would u bunk down with The Nearly Dead’s when the Zombie Apocalypse inevitably comes? Has Hayley Williams started a revolution that can’t be stopped? Hit these gutsy ladies (and their unlucky platonic bandmates) up on their FaceBooks and tell them They Have The Ability!!

Sometimes, I feel like I’ll forever be cursed to be one step behind the times, or a step ahead in the wrong direction. For instance, just as 18 Visions and Throwdown were blowing up in my homeland (Orange Country), I was too busy fapping to the Sex Pistols and Misfits while the “jocks” at my school acquired black hair dye, solid black shirts, and girls. When scene was starting to come into full effect and I literally had random scene girls who I didn’t even know calling/IMing me because they thought my long skater hair was cute, I was too distracted with acquiring MDC cds and faceplants at Laguna Skatepark to care. Saw Green Day play with Jimmie Eat World on the Pop Disaster Tour, but was too tr00 to stick around for Blink-182 (believe it or not, there was in fact a bygone era when it was not credible to like them!). Yet on the other hand, I somehow managed to convince myself to get into ghey 90s emo long before it was cool to do so – only to realize that 99% of that music is awful shortly before tons of bands (most disappointingly, pop punk bands) started jocking that sound.  The list goes on, and while people have done worse things with their youth, sometimes I can’t help but look back with frustration at all the opportunities I missed to just cut back, have fun, or see some sweet/sick bands in their prime had I not been so preoccupied with being an irritating fggt for so long.

So naturally, by the point I was able to start finally appreciating scene, it was already, to put it generously, on life support. It still amuses me to go see Brokencyde (although admittedly, they are becoming increasingly depressing to watch as it appears even they are aware that their 15 minutes were up 30 minutes ago), BOTDF, Deuce, etc, and it amuses me more to people watch, but the analogy Sgt. D made some time back about scene nowadays is absolutely true: Scene kids are not remotely cool anymore; they are the current day equivalent of kids who wore trip pants back in the early 2000s. There’s probably a one or two left here and there at each public school, probably more in culturally isolated areas, but overall those days are as dead as MySpace.

Typical male, female BC13 Fan, circa 2012

Yet every time I attend one of these current day scene shows, I can’t help but wonder: Where do all these people come from, and what do they do without MySpace? Without question, MySpace was an integral part of the scene experience: it provided the perfect outlet for kids to instantly build their image and assert renown, even when they had none of either beforehand. Profile pictures were bigger, profiles themselves were more colorful and wordy, and importantly, there was no filtering (at least early on): If you were friends with somebody, you were subject to whatever content they wanted to post, and the limited degree of privacy (basically stripped down to a y/n decision between having a public or private profile) meant that everybody would be able to see that you were friends with Jeffrey Starr, The Banner, or whoever else. Thus, an accepted friendship often constituted an instant barrage of continual self promotion. What do scene kids do now that MySpace is no longer a viable platform, while Facebook lacks both the flashiness and directness consistent with the image they hope to promote?

The answer, which I stumbled across quite accidentally while doing some research for work, is apparently that they sign up for “web modeling agencies” such as X-Centric Models.

The entire website is one giant lolfactory in which various “models” (read: t(w)eenagers with camera phones) can gratuitously self promote themselves just like in the days of yore, except the difference is that now the pretense is under the guise of modeling rather than just trying to be social network famous (presumably because in 2012, one needs a justifiable reason to look scene as it is not exactly an “in” style), and most disorienting relative to present times, virtually all profiles belong to scene kids. Below, I’ve included some highlights from random profiles I’ve come across. Suffice to say, this is merely a tiny sampling of the lulziness which is to be found on this website, and I invite others to post their amusing finds in the comments section below.

“I eat, drink, sleep(?) music. But I also take an interest in photography as well. c: the most nicest/shyest gal you will probably ever meet. I can have my crazy moments as well though… Everyone classifies me as emo, gothic, or scene. But to me, I’m only acting myself and I really don’t give a damn what people think of me because I’m content with who I am and I will never change for someone just for their satisfaction… I don’t have a lot of experience in modeling and I hope to improve in the future. c: Hope I won’t let y’all down. <3″

“I enjoy taking picture and showing off my individuality. I think everyone was born as an individual, it’s just that some people are more brave to be themselves than others. I’m not the skinniest person in the world, but I want to be able to show people that you don’t have to be skinny it be beautiful.”

Personally, I’m pretty tired of the whole “fat hate thing” (in b4 white knight – too much mean cattiness and mean spiritedness for its own sake, no care who it’s directed at), but let’s be honest. Totally looks like:

“Ohhai, I’m Lisa.
Some Call Me Weed Some Call Me Isa.
Ive Been Site-Modeling For Probably 3 Years.
My Goal Is To Be An Actual Model When I Get Out Of Highschool.
I’m A Huge Ass Gamer. c:
And I Dye My Hair Often.:3
I Love Photography And I’m Always Taking Photos c:
Like My Facebook Page?
http://www.facebook.com/LisaLithium
It Mean Alot ^-^
Feel Free To Send Me A Message Or Post Some Comments c:
I Love To Make New Friends ^-^”

Note that Lisa reps gaems (you can tell she’s ‘rly into them’ by her cool homemade Nintendo necklaces!), weed, juggalos, and still wears stuff with diamonds on them. It’s as if somebody gave her a school assignment to go home and try to assemble an outfit with as many indicators as possible that she is an annoying person, and this is what she came up with.

“I am KortniKannibal, I am not so called “Scene”. I am a complex mixture of goth and modern punk. I do photography, I never thought I would but it is something that makes me happy when I take a good picture of me, someone else, or something. I am often judged as a bad person before people meet me because I have that kind of look but you can ask anyone I’m really just a funny slightly anger filled person but I never REALLY hurt people. Well, yeah I could go on forever but you might as well just go check out my website it tells most things in around 4 words each.”

I’d like to point out that not only does KortniKannibal have an amazing profile description, but she also has a personal website that is pretty lulzy in its own right. Amongst other content, Kortni provides informative essays on become a site model, as well as an FAQ section in which she fans questions from her countless admirers (sample question: Q: What is your style? A: “My Style is specifically a mixture of goth and modern punk, or in other words I am known as Alternative.”)

“‘Ello. I’m a 15 year old girl living in a small town in Southern Ontario, Canada. I was originally born in Alabama, USA, but moved to Canada when I was 4. Funny thing is, I’m not even really American, but English, Dutch and Cherokee.
I’m bisexual, outgoing and not afraid to try new things, especially when it comes to cooking, hair and make-up. I’m also Pagan.
I live with my mother, my half-brother and my half-sister (they’re twins). I have a younger brother that I have never met and an older step-brother that I’ve seen in twice since I moved from the US. I do not know my father, so please do not ask.”

Alex_Redfoot’s photo album is so amazing/cringeworthy that I’m linking the entire thing here. Finding these pictures for the first time was like coming across crime scene photos while searching for lolcat pics; you come in expecting to see something sort of silly, sort of funny, and ultimately forgettable, and instead are smacked in the face with a brutal dose of reality.

Thus, while scene as we know it may not be back for at least a few years, it is nice to know that in some obscure pocket of the internet, some poorly designed website is still out there allowing deluded teens all over the world to express exaggerated images of themselves through embarrassing profiles, all in the hope of capturing the theoretical attention of strangers.  The dark days of somber earth tones and indie box-rim glasses are upon us, yet far of in the distance, the warm, faint glow of neon still burns on.

Food 4 thought: How do you feel about X-Centric Models? Is it awesome that there still a number of scene kids out there trying to get people to pay attention to them on the internet, or is it sad they are at best four years behind the times? Is “web modeling” the newest adaptation of post-myspace scene, or merely an attempt to justify promoting a look which is utterly preposterous in 2012? Have you seen any crunkcore bands since they peaked three years ago, and was it kind of depressing like when I saw BC13 those few times?

On the left, we have a rare photograph from the year 500 B.T. (Before Tumblr) of the now extinct deathcore scene kid equipped with his Youth Large Whitechapel T-Shirt. The roots of his jet black dyed hair are covertly hidden underneath his fresh New Era hat with the sticker still intact. His flat ironed fringe covers half of his face which he has decorated with an assortment of piercings. His white belt serves no functional use for his skin tight pants, but is worn for aesthetic purposes. His stretched earlobes signify his social ranking in the scene, predicated on the size of his plugs. If you look closely into the exposed half of his right eye, you can sense the childlike innocence that he portrays.  He was probably completely oblivious to the fact that his species was on the path to extinction when this picture was taken.

On the right, we have a photo from the A.M. epoch (After Myspace) of a young neo-IMN. His chastity necklace rests safely in between his manboobs which lay underneath his entry-level band shirt. Neo-IMNs can be spotted in public more often than the traditional IMN. This could be due to them being raised in a more technologically advanced era and learning how to access the internet on a portable device from an early age. This particular neo-IMN has adapted to these outdoor conditions by growing his unkempt hair out to a gargantuan diameter in order to protect himself from those who potentially pose a threat to his alternative lifestyle. Scientists are conducting further studies on the cultural ecology of IMNs in this habitat.

Do u miss when deathcore was still scene? Are u ashamed to like it now that the genre has been hijacked by the new generation of IMNs? Will science ever be able to discover the missing link between deathcore scene kids and neo-IMNs who listen to deathcore? 

I think the biggest challenge for any (initially) successful band is to “transcend eras”. What I mean by this is a band being just as popular/relevant in the year 500 AM (After MySpace) as they were in the year 500 BT (Before Tumblr). All Time Low, A Day To Remember, Bring Me The Horizon are some of the standout examples of this. But with every success story, comes about 100 other tragic tales of dispirited band bros and broken dreamz, including the dudes in MYCHILDREN MYBRIDE. I’m assuming that they’ll probably break up within a couple of weeks of me writing this, so consider this post a full retrospective of their career.

Their first album is their best work in my opinion. It was produced by Joey Stugis, which added a RISECORE flair to their otherwise ATTHEGATESCORE sound. I don’t know exactly what the video is supposed to mean but if I were to take a guess based on the Mosh 4 Christ lyrics about him worrying that he’s losing his faith, the white straitjacket version of him is supposed to represent his faithful side and the black straitjacket with eyeliner version of him is supposed to represent his faithless side. The straitjackets on both ends probably represent his “insanity” for ever questioning the existence of god in the first place. Check out the crazy special effects @ 1:55 when the white straitjacket him’s face catches fire for no apparent reason.

Matthew Hasting was one of the most fangirled metalcore vocalists in the MySpace era IIRC. I remember hearing Kiki Kannibal namedrop him in a Stickam live stream like it was just yesterday. I guess the tattoo policy for lead vocalists is “start with the hands and work your way up”.

Their second album was basically their first album repeated, just less memorable. I don’t think they went back to Stugis for this one so what could explain why it doesn’t pack the same punch that the first one does. MCMB make everyone who has done the water bucket challenge look like pussies in this video. I like when the vocalist starts doing the windmill. Moshing 4 Christ in your own music video, very advanced.

                        I wonder how many times she has bragged about this IRL.

Their third album realistically didn’t deviate much from the first two albums (save the “evil” spoken word part at the beginning) but they started trying to gain tr00 cred by using black metal imagery like playing in a forest and having artwork like this…

So kvlt!

To build hype for the album, the band released what is probably the most embarrassing marketing ploy I have yet to see, an “interactive music video”. “Choose wisely on your path and you will continue your journey, but a myriad of decisions lie around each corner that will decide your fate.” This is where you can see their views really started to fizzle out.

What’s probably more entertaining than all of their music is their extreme image changes throughout the course of their career.

My guess is that this is from 2004-2005, around when they released “Having The Heart For War” (their actual first album, don’t look for it, it sucks). This picture is so stereotypically MySpace that it almost seems like some sort of parody ala NOFX. Unfortunately for them, those ain’t no wigs.

I’m thinking this is from around 2007-2008. This picture I hold especially dear to my heart because it represents the era when scene and gangster collided. Three tipped to the side new era hats with the sticker still intact in one promo pic? They don’t make em like they used to.

This pic is obviously from their last album, which is why they’re all dressed like fake real metal kids. So depressing. Why do they look so angry?

Thus concludes the epic tale of MCMB. Now all that’s left is droopy earlobes and status updates that will probably get less than 100 likes…

    Be on the lookout for the sequel “Back To Cali”, coming soon to a theater near u. 

Dictionary.com defines evolution as “any process of formation or growth; development”. We see evolution EVERYWHERE. Not just in plants and animals, but in art too. Do you ever think to yourself, “where did all the awesome scene music that I enjoy today come from? What are its origins? What was music like before the breakdown?“  Well, believe it or not, it actually came from hardcore punk from the 80′s. I know what you’re probably thinking: “there was hardcore music in the 80′s?” Or maybe if you’re aware of this ancient form of hardcore, you might be confused as to how such a brainless primitive style of music could evolve into something so ravishing and beautiful. Let me show you how. But in order to do so, we have to go back to the very start. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: an inclusive account of the evolution of hardcore.

1978 – The Beginning of “Hardcore”

Don’t let the album title mislead you, there are no breakdowns. 

So this marks the beginning of hardcore. I put hardcore in quotations because I’m not really sure why Black Flag is even considered hardcore, despite being regarded as the seminal pioneers of the genre. I mean, they’ve never even used the fast beat, which is supposed to be the basis for all of these primordial hardcore bands. Even Asking Alexandria have used the fast beat. That makes them more hardcore than Black Flag. BF just sort chugs along (no, not the good type of chug) at a neanderthalic pace, much like the proconsul primate seen on the far left of the evolution chart above. Actually, since they’re more like proto-hardcore, I would relate them more to the aegyptopithecus zeuxis.

I think they reunited last year, but just a small-type gig, for friends and family and stuff. I heard their kids came to see them play after they got babysitters to watch over their kids (BF’s grand-kids) while they were away at the concert. But that’s not to say to say that BF doesn’t have any non-blood related fans. A few BFF’s (Black Flag Fans) have assembled this weird blog in which they have photoshopped BF shirts onto hundreds of celebrities. It’s like they have some sort of strange fantasy that involves important people acknowledging or caring about their niche little thing.

 Lol, Simon Cowell wearing a BF shirt… yeah right. BF’s singer would get roasted so devastatingly bad during an American Idol try-out that he leave the room crying.

That awkward moment when the dude wearing a Nickelback shirt is more believable.

Kim Kardashian repping Black Flag? Not likely. Maybe if the shirt said “Black Dick”.

Well, Christopher Walken is like 70, so this one is possible.

Apart from these obsessive BFF’s fan page, I did some research on their singer and found out he’s a whiny old man…

Can you believe a senior citizen is acting like this? He’s displaying the maturity of a little kid! Everybody’s poking at him? Who does he think he is? The pillsbury doughboy?

Why did they get an 8 year old to interview him? Could he not handle an intellectually stimulating conversation had by two adults? They had to get someone who’s more on his level?

1981 – Hardcore Gets Fast

Not sure why it took 3 years to come to this development but this marks when hardcore discovered the fast beat. Minor Threat were the first band to incorporate the fast beat into their music. Much like a baby’s first words, it’s cute… but it’s not very impressive. Music aside, Minor Threat were known more for the popularization of two important hardcore ethos, the “Do It By Yourself” mentality and the “Straight Edge” lifestyle, both of which would become inapplicable in the near future.

Don’t let their PC white boy demeanor mislead you, Minor Treat has been met with some controversy. Apparently they caught heat for the lyrics of their song “Guilty of Being White” for being perceived as racist. I didn’t check many of their other songs but I think lyrically that must be their best one and it’s actually really relevant today considering how oppressed straight white cisgender males are today all over dumb blogs on the internet. Minor Treat only lasted a couple years I think because they thought the music they were making was crappy so they broke up and started another band.

Check out how rude their singer is. The lady is asking him a bunch of valid questions and he just ignores her like she doesn’t even exist! Things that Ian Mackaye is “too cool” for: drugs, alcohol, professional record distributors and show promoters, interviews.

Are people sure he doesn’t do drugs? He seems pretty drugged out to me here, rambling about all this incoherent nonsense. Hippies on acid could probably come up with better jargon.   

1984 – Hardcore Gets a Little Bit Less Shitty

This is where you can tell production value gets a little bit better. They maybe even went to a studio I think. I’ll admit, when someone first showed me this album, I would’ve thought it was from maybe like 1986, not 1984. But let’s be honest, it’s still pretty fucking crappy. Their song “Not Just Boys Fun” served as a white knight anthem at the time, pioneering a new sub-genre of hardcore known as “fedoracore”.

“UGH, fuck all these ignorant ass jocks who pay money to come see us play and disrespect all of the non-existent women at our shows.”

Channing Tatum repping the fedoracore aesthetic.

1989 – Hardcore Becomes (Somewhat) Listenable

Gorilla Biscuits paid homage to the idea of “evolving hardcore” on the cover of their album “Start Today”. Unfortunately they were far from the homo sapien stage of evolution. 

Now, don’t get it twisted, I said listenable, not good. Right now we are approaching the ardipithecus ramidus stage. A new style of hardcore emerged in the late 80′s called “The Youth Crew”, which was a small circle of bands who had the idea of taking the energy of hardcore and mixing it with the musical sensibilities of a good genre. Most bands who attempted this did not have such great results but one band that kind of had the right idea was “Gorilla Biscuits”. I’m not sure why they named themselves after a street drug when they were a straight edge band. That’s like starting a vegan hardcore band called “Filet Mignon”.

One of the members of the youth crew… post-youth. 

1995 – Hardcore Gets Heavy

While bands like Gorilla Biscuits focused on adding melody to hardcore, bands like Earth Crisis added heaviness. Now, these guys were straight edge and vegan, so you can imagine how preachy their lyrics are. I’m not sure if they were atheism-pushers, but I wouldn’t put it past them. While I do respect Earth Crisis for being heavier than their ancestors before them, they are pretty boring and super dated. I would liken Earth Crisis to the homo habilis stage of evolution. They were very primitive and used stone tools such as the ones on their album cover, but until they start gaining the nutritional benefits found only through eating meat, they will not be able to evolve to the next stage.

1999 – The Dawning of Fake Hardcore and the Fashioncore Revolution

We are now approaching the modern era. Songwriting is becoming better, production is becoming crisper, musicianship is becoming tighter, breakdowns are becoming more plentiful. To represent this era, I have chosen a very advanced track by Poison The Well in which they use the “scream verse, sing chorus” song structure that is found in almost all modern Scenecore. Meanwhile, a band called Eighteen Visions was pioneering a new aesthetic in hardcore that would soon be known as “fashioncore” and served as a progenitor of forthcoming scene fashion.

Eighteen Visions sporting their fashioncore look.  

Jonny OC, the vocalist of popular ignorant mosh-turned srscore band Liferuiner was a huge fan of the fashioncore scene during its heyday.

2004 – Emotional Hardcore

In the mid 2000′s, bands started innovating a new genre of HC called “emotional hardcore”. They usually sung about depressing stuff like slitting their wrists and applying eyeliner. I’m not going to bash it too hard though because it is the closest related ancestor to Scenecore. I guess that would mean it is what the homo erectus is to the homo sapien. I would say that Underoath is the single most important and influential band to the Scenecore genre. They stuck out from the rest of their peers with a certain flair that the other bands lacked. They are like the caveman who discovered fire. When I’m older, I want to start a Scenecore museum, and when I do, Underoath will be the first band that will be inducted into it.

2007 – Early Scenecore

Early Scenecore (also sometimes referred to as “Classical Scenecore”) was pioneered by bands such as A Skylit Drive, Escape The Fate, Alesana, Blessthefall, and Drop Dead, Gorgeous. These bands paved the way for every Rise Records band with a $40,000 recording contract and a 3 year life expectancy. Homo sapiens are thought to be divided into two subspecies: homo sapiens neanderthalensis and homo sapien sapiens (otherwise known as anatomically modern humans). Think of this stuff as the neanderthalensis and modern Scenecore as the latter.

Beau Bokan from Blessthefall rocking a Minor Threat shirt in AP Magazine. Not sure why he is wearing it but at least it’s good promo for MT. Not that a band that’s been broken up for 40 years needs promo. I wonder how he got it? Was there an old folks home next to the Goodwill where he picked it up?

2010 – Modern Scenecore

The modern era of Scenecore was vanguarded by crabcore innovators Attack Attack (RIP) and scene heavyweights such as We Came As Romans, I See Stars, and Asking Alexandria. Modern Scenecore is defined by ballsier breakdowns, catchier choruses and pro-er production. Laced brilliantly with state of the art synthesizers and vocal processing, modern Scenecore can best be described as “the cutting edge”. I remember this era so fondly and the feeling of excitement and curiosity that I experienced upon hearing some of these bands for the first time which will probably not be replicated ever again in my life. This is the Homo sapien sapien. This is the modern human. This is what fundamentalist Christians think God skipped all of the other subordinate steps to get to. It is truly the cream of the crop, the crim de la crim… or is it?

2014 – Progressive Scenecore

Issues is a band that is pushing the boundaries of what we know as Scenecore, paving the way for all future innovation to come. You’re probably thinking – but where can the genre go from here, after such an advanced band like Issues has set the bar so high? Is this it? Is this the pinnacle? Well, if you asked me in 2010 if I thought there would be a Scenecore band with a scratch DJ, a seasoned R&B singer, and 1.5 black members, I would probably say no. Yet here we are. The point I’m trying to make is that evolution is an ever-progressing development that cannot be stopped and we should feel privileged to be living in such an exciting era, thanks to bands like Issues, who continue to expand the horizons of such an already vast scenery. The sky is the limit, my friends, the sky is the limit.

Oh, and for all the nerds who are going to be like “this stuff doesn’t have anything to do with hardcore” or “this isn’t what hardcore evolved into”. Let’s take a look at the top tag of the most popular currently active Scenecore bands on last.fm. What you’re about to find out might shock you…

I rest my case…

Rare fossil discovered by a modern day scene kid.

Where do you see the future of the Scenecore genre heading?  Are you a creationist and just skip to 2010 to pretend that all of the anatomically and musically inferior stuff never happened? Will there ever be a band that is more advanced than Issues?